Sunday, January 22, 2012

The Cucaracha

Yet again my shitty white trash infested filled alliance
proves how much they suck without their only Messican pulling all the weight. Chingadamadre!!! of our 'elite' (lol) old farts in this shitty alliance lost a shitty fit Vindi. Aun no puedo comprender como este hijo de puta cree que sabe jugar a este juego si el pendejo ni sabe limpiarse el culo (Translation: Hot Tubes is awesome....not really). Seeing as how this ship was considered being able to 'Tank God'. I think it did fairly well against this lone Drake. I mean come on...its a drake. No one can expect to come up to one and live.

Im still a bit confused as to why Im not asked to be apart of engagements any more seeing
as how I alwayz take control of the situation, kill everything on the field and have none of my inferior white trash comrades killed....Then I remind myself that they are just jealous of my good looks, money and skills and continue with my business.

Not only does the vindi loss further prove that all the alliance members suck at this game but it goes to show how much needed I am and how much better I am than all of them. ALL OF THEM..!!!

Not a Very Good Week for 3XXXD

For fuck's sake...

The past week has not been kind to General Tso's band of assholes. The fail-cascade starts with the loss of one of our faction Battleships, Salid's Bhaalgorn.

But this was only the tip of the penis-shaped iceberg in our assholes, which would otherwise be welcome had it not been freezing. We had to have segments of our rectum removed because of frostbite and instructed to take it easy on the blunt anal trauma over the next coming weeks.

We didn't heed this warning, though...  We then experimented with a couple black ops jump bridges to nearby lowsecs, one was met with marginal failure, and the other was catastrophic, in that we killed nothing at all. Wonderful.

And then we had a tremendous show of failed efforts from Terazuk. We've mentioned vaguely in the past that he is terrible at this game, but he managed to shatter expectations, in a downward direction. He has always been one of the assholes that refuses to get with the program in past wars, insisting on fighting wherever he wants in whatever he wants, despite overall strategy and is never successful. During our T1 swarm wars, he'll bring out T2 fit, rigged cruisers and lose them (on his own) in fights that he wouldn't have won anyway, and excuses this with the nonsensical statement:

"I like bacon sandwiches."

It makes absolutely no sense and just goes as a testament to his level of wit (none) and the legitimacy he holds with his stubbornness. He is the best target of all blame for most of our lost wars, especially when we manage to make extremely high value kills with large amount of forward momentum, he always insists in failing so hard by himself that he drags down the stats of the entire Alliance single-handedly.

While we weren't part of any war this week, he provided so much evidence to defend this statement that it can forever be linked to whenever he tries to claim he is actually a decent PvP'er and his style of game-play is superior in same fashion to excuse his idiotic decisions.

We also had a significant amount of T2 and faction Frigate losses.

Yea... but wait! There's more!

To cap it all off, at a WHOPPING 5.2 BILLION, Hot Tubes in his glorious Vindicator that had the ability to tank God. At least it sparked a new meme:

"I think I might lose this."

The upside of everything, though, is the ironic timing for our new Killboard banner:

So much for the T1....

In completely unrelated news in a shameless plug, watch Kill-Tac 9's newest music video. It is about nerdrage during Diablo II, and features alcoholism, stop-motion, a bear, bestiality, and guest screams from your's truly.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Gospel of Eve, Pt. V: Nedum Celeriter Circumi!

Whenever you are lost in space, tired, damaged, alone, you always take comfort to know that someone is watching you. It may not be a physical entity, or a friendly pilot but His eyes are watching you. But when you are down, broken, and all hope is lost, you can always count on one word of truth for guidance, salvation hope: the Gospel of Eve.

Part V: Nedum Celeriter Circumi! (Orbit MUCH less quicklier!)

This is the Gospel according to Dark Drifter...

First letter to Man0f0neWay (a petition):

(Nota bene: Transcriber took extreme liberty with this translation, many words were horribly misspelled and there was an overabundance of the word "ut" in the original script which made no grammatical sense whatsoever.)

Brother! O Brother! What be floating around in that head of yours? Do not you understand what means keep at distance? For the love of the four-foot rooster in the donkey of mine(?), how more simple can these directions be? Instead of following in my rear, like all other men, you moved to go to orbit that which we not orbit go to do! To approach we were doing and break off at last second we were. But that you were like slow-brained monkey and moved out of formation. Brother, we beseech your stupidity. When we say follow, follow! At a range of five hundred meters you were to follow the lead. After many calls to return to us for you, still you react like dim-witted, fornicating man-lover and go against all orders. So brother, slowly spell out that which I am saying, so as you are to understand that which I mean: DO NOT (ut) LEAVE (ut) FORMATION, YOU (ut) BRAINLESS (ut) SWORD SHEATH(?)!

With sore anus,

Dark Drifter

Transcribed by Lord SphinctAnus RectAnus


The Stench Has Been Lifted

For fuck's sake...

In the past few days, we've had massively successful raids into wormholes in our surrounding region. I wish our Griefwatch killboard's "engagement" function worked properly so I could give you a scale on the engagements, but I'll have to give small breakdowns of the fight with links to specific kills.

First, we went in from Erme, and I drew the attention of the 'hole dwellers by innocently proclaiming in local that I was lost and needed assistance, in addition to shooting at their Custom's Office... in a Vexor. This took a good 20 minutes or so before the single individual in the hole got his buddy on, a third scanning alt, and came to deal with my "threat." In this time I was drastically surprised that Colt45MaltLikka didn't scare them off, because despite his "ample" skills with Stealth Bombers, he managed to de-cloak randomly within scan range of the enemy POS.

Anyway, they landed on me with a Drake at range, and a Hurricane up close and personal. I did NOT last long. However, I did last long enough for the cavalry to arrive. In addition to my Vexor, we also lost Dark's Saber (no fault of his own), and Colt's Manticore (which we can chalk up to his ever-expanding Stealth Bomber loss pile), but managed to kill both the Battlecruisers, and their Helios alt, plus a couple pods.

Overall we won ISK-wise, but by a slim margin.

Next, we moved on to a pair of wormholes in Villore. One was occupied by the huge alliance SRS, and seemed moderately active, but nothing hanging in space. The other hole, however, had a bunch of AFK members at a tower, and a singular Mammoth cruising between Customs Offices. I commanded our mexican counterpart, Beaner (8inferno8) to take his interceptor in and kill the hauler, which was a massive success. Stage two went as predicted, the butthurt hauler pilot went back to the tower, overreacted and brought a "bigger" ship that was capable of taking the Crow threat, the go-to Hurricane. What he didn't realize, until it was too late, was that we entered the hole immediately as he entered warp. We landed on him long before he could kill his previous aggressor, and his Hurricane met the same fate as his Mammoth, as did his pod. We lost nothing, and fell back to Villore long before he could muster a decent response with the aid of his corpmates. Besides, he'd have to truck all the way back to the hole from k-space, LOLZ.

We attempted to get a fight from the SRS. guys, but it was futile. They we slightly more wise to w-space raiders and didn't think to fall for any bait. But, overall, the night was a success, filled with positive energy.

Speaking of positive energy! Moar stuff on teh test server is making Crucible 1.5 look pretty fucking awesome.

Assault ship rebalance:

New Invulnerability fields:

The old new Necon, and the ability for Alliances to enter FW: (lol, if ALL the member corps have >0.5 standing)

And another move towards "balancing" hybrids, by boosting Null:
So, more Satan-awesomeness on the horizon. I'm still patiently (read: checking mail several times a day, praying for invite) awaiting my invite to the Dust514: Mordu's Private Trails beta, and am hoping that its launch coincides with the Crucible 1.5 patch (allowing the Dev's to put ground-work into EvE to allow Dust to function on the server.)

Oh, and to jump back on the topic of wormholes and maintaining the positive emotions about the future of the game: Mary finally ragequit.... after what I imagine was an embarrassing moment of him searching for:

"Leaf Concentration"
"Live Concatenation"
"Lave Contradiction"
"Left Carpal Tunnel"
"Length Compaction"
"List Customization"

Before he asked his dad how to spell "Leave Corporation."

It took fucking long enough, but his stupid ass is finally gone. Not to give too much time talking about that shit head, but I'll give a breakdown of what happened that was the straw that broke the faggot's back.

We were doing the same wormhole raiding as we have been doing, but this time the scout was Mary. He sucked serious ass at it, using a stealth bomber to slowboat 100Km to a motionless Drake in a wormhole. Our fleet was ready to pounce, and Mary spoke his idea out loud:

"H---h--hey... I.... thi-think this g-g-g-guy is ss-s---tttttuck in here.. I'm... gun-n-n-na ranom him."

This was met by:

"So, primary is Mary?"

He panicked, didn't notice where the Drake warped off to (it was the exit we were on, which lead to Erme), then proceeded to try and argue as if everything he did was correct (which has never been the case.) The Drake jumped into us, warped off with a friendly wave, and we proceeded to belittle Mary and bring up his many failures in this one engagement alone. His reponse:

"F--fine... why don't I just quit? Should I j-j-j-ust quit if you all hate m-m-me so much??"

Our reply (imagine 10 voices simultaneously screaming over voice comms in a glorious choir of hatred):


I have to admit, I'm going to miss hearing amazing statistics based on a sample size of 1, and analysis by Dr. BlahBlahblah. Not to be confused with the esteemed lawyer, Bob Loblaw.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

The Gospel of Eve, Pt. IV: Sexi Gratia

Whenever you are lost in space, tired, damaged alone, you can always take comfort to know that someone is watching you. It may not be a physical entity, or a friendly pilot but His eyes are watching you. But when you are down, broken, and all hope is lost, you can always count on one word of truth for guidance, salvation, hope: the Gospel of Eve.

Part IV: Sexi Gratia... (For fuck's sake...)

This is the Gospel according to Caid Sardaukar...

First letter to Man0f0neWay:

Sexi gratia, fratre... Sexi gratia. I flew as hastily as one could when I received your summons for there was an earnestness in your wording that could not be ignored. These are the words I received:

"Come brothers! Come at once! Before me I have a mighty Hulk. Majestic. Built beautifully. Not unlike a strong man working hard in the fields; sweating, flexing, pulsing, throbbing... But it is in violation of our mining codes! We must deliver a message to this heretic! Alas, I am but one man and cannot take a goal of this magnitude upon myself solo. I need assistance with haste. I cannot wait here forever. Bring yourself and what force you can spare at once! We shall show this heathen what defiance of our laws brings upon him! I will be waiting for your call, patiently, and will let you know when to strike." - Man0f0neWay

I prepared my ship with the utmost haste and embarked on the journey to meet with you, brother. But upon arriving on the field of battle, my anticipation and haste were met with... nothing. Emptiness; save for a few of our comrades waiting patiently for the word to attack. But it never came. Silence, darkness, uncertainty. Several of us for ourselves wondering if you had been lost in battle, but much to our disappointment, no mail of a kill ever arrived. Instead we found ourselves floating in space, and our collective, battle-ready testicles turned a blueish hue.

It was not until one of our battle squadron scanned the system to discover that no Hulk existed in the system. Your failure brought great shame upon us all. It would only have been honorable for you to take your own life... But seeing as you were far to cowardly to do so, one of us gladly did the job for you.

Your enraged companion,

Caid Sardaukar

Transcribed by Lord SphinctAnus RectAnus


Saturday, January 7, 2012

Polls are Open

For fuck's sake...

With the addition of engine trails, new "miss" graphics for turrets, and the epic nebulae, we were in dire need of an updated Killboard Banner. We broke out the T1 frigates, Rectanus busted out a snipe Apoc, and we approached over and over under the red beams, with myself hitting prntscrn over and over. I selected the best 10, ensuring they all had the following criteria:
  • Seyllin I is in the shot. Its been our home for several years now, before Apocrypha made it famous.
  • As many Frigs as possible are in the frame.
  • The Apoc is guns blazing.
  • It doesn't look like shit.
Also, we are choosing from various quotes to attach to the image:
  • The current one, involving "Out Stupid them"
  • "If you are at war with General Tso's Alliance, they have a pile of shit waiting for you." - Gothic Nightmare
  • "A T1 swarm of significantly better than you." - Icas Otame
The last two being recent quotes. That one from Gothic was during the awesome TORAH war from a couple months back that left everything between Seyllin and Villore littered with our wrecks, and the last quote was stolen from a Killboard comment from a Abaddon kill during the Shark campaign.

During the photo taking process, Mary was in his usual form of being a fucking idiot, more on that when our resident ancient language translator, Rectanus, transcribes the event from one of the newly uncovered scrolls. A blog post from him is forthcoming, as will be one with the results of the vote in about a week's time.