Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The Gospel of Eve, Pt. VI: Blatta

Whenever you are lost in space, tired, damaged, alone, you always take comfort to know that someone is watching you. It may not be a physical entity, or a friendly pilot, but His eyes are watching you. But when you are down, broken, and all hope is lost, you can always count on one word of truth for guidance, salvation, hope: the Gospel of Eve.

Part VI: Blatta (The Cucaracha, aka, The Filthy Spic)

This is the Gospel according to Burseg Sardaukar...

First letter to Saggy Ballz:

(Nota bene: Transcriber did not change anything about this letter; all phrases and words from original author were kept for authenticity. Reader discretion is advised. In fact, the transcriber advises that no one read this letter. You have been warned.)

Fuck you, you lazy Spic! Tell me, O Mexican, what the fuck? You filthy, lazy Beaner. You had one task to perform, you taco-munching faggot. We decided to include you in our operation, because we though your lazy ass could prove useful to us for once. But no. Instead, rather predictably, you fell victim to your bloodline. Could you not tackle a ship if your life depended on it? And then, as we all charged ferociously into the space unknown, your lazy ass started dragging with a friction never before witnesses. For fuck's sake! If there was one thing I would think you would actually be good at, it would be crossing a border. But you fail at doing even the one thing your people are known for. Wait, I take that back. You do succeed at being lazy and living on welfare. But when it comes time to actually be useful, you seem to forget to pull the cock out of your ear. When we found you at the Home Depot, you said you were looking for work. You still haven't shown me anything to prove that statement. Now get off your lazy, burrito-fucking ass, and earn the mucho dinero you are receiving because you are a lazy Spic! FUCK YOU!

Still thinking of having you deported,

Burseg Sardaukar

Vote Ron Paul. Oh yeah, that's right... You're an illegal Spic. Fuck you.

Transcribed by Lord SphinctAnus RectAnus


Tuesday, March 6, 2012

From the Bowels of the Archives, Pt. I: My Hand Smells Like Dick

A Letter from Lord RectAnus to the Outside World:

Friends, I find myself with too much time on my hands these days. So I've been forced to find other ways to keep my hands busy:

With the drastic decrease in material to translate, I don't have much to do down here. I feel lost without the knowledge of the one known as Man0f0neWay. I run across occasional script from other philosophers and prophets, but nothing can seem to fill that void and I feel insanity taking its toll. But I do not blame you, my friends. You have tried to keep me busy. After the decline in Scripture form Man0f0neWay, I entered the Archives one day to find new material on my desk. Oh the joy I felt! Oh the endless joy! Finally, I felt my life had purpose again... That is, until I looked down upon that material and saw this:

"Это сбивает с толку меня, что русские думают, что они гораздо лучше, чем остальной мир. Вместо того, чтобы упасть в с остальной частью западной цивилизации, они предпочитают мастурбировать себя и отказаться от изучения английского языка. Я имею в виду, как они сверхдержава? Их страна выглядит, как будто он все еще восстанавливается после Второй мировой войны."

Now, I am willing to try anything to prevent boredom, but come on.

I mean, I'm more of an intelligent language guy...

In comparison, running my nuts through a meat grinder seems far more enticing. Nevertheless, I thank you for the effort. You tried, but didn't quite hit the G-spot of my intellectual mind.

Not even in the ball park.

But I welcome more attempts. I'll be down here awaiting further Scripture to pass by my desk, but until then, I will pass the time by nursing my violent hemorrhoids. Oh yeah, which reminds me... A new chair wouldn't hurt either.

Forever your faithful scholar,
Lord SphinctAnus RectAnus of Mianus, CT

Written by hand by Lord SphinctAnus RectAnus


Monday, March 5, 2012

Broken Sec Status Gains

For fuck's sake...

CCP apparently broke the secstatus gain system that me and my shit Alliance have been using to for years now. Instead of every contributor on a rat getting a sec increase, the increase instead goes to one individual, supposedly the one with the "final blow" on it.

After numerous bug reports and filed petitions, CCP has said this is now the intended mechanic, but no further explanation has been added. The biggest problem we all have with this "new" system is the inconsistency with the sec loss mechanic.

As a scenario:
Player A, a noob.
Players B and C, bad bad pirates.

Player A warps to a belt in lowsec, is tackled by both B and C. He does not fire back at either pirate, and loses his ship. BOTH B and C take the "aggression" and "property destruction" sec hits, regardless of who lands the "final blow" on Player A's ship. This also includes the scenario where B shoots once, leaves grid, docks, gets a sammich and C kills A anyway. Both pilots lose full sec.

For those that don't know, if Player A were to shoot back at B or C, that pilot would only take the initial secstatus hit for "aggression" and am allowed to kill the target without further penalty.

But anyway. CCP's bug hunters have said that this "new' mechanic is tied to a bigger aggression overhaul, which is more than likely on its way for the summer "war" expansion. But as for the time being, we are left to rat on our own, playing a single player mini-game in a supposedly "multiplayer" environment.

To me, it seems very much like a "fuck you" to people in lowsec, and a pressure towards null...

On a lighter note, I've hit somewhat of a milestone.

That's right, I lost my anal virginity.