Tuesday, March 6, 2012

From the Bowels of the Archives, Pt. I: My Hand Smells Like Dick

A Letter from Lord RectAnus to the Outside World:

Friends, I find myself with too much time on my hands these days. So I've been forced to find other ways to keep my hands busy:

With the drastic decrease in material to translate, I don't have much to do down here. I feel lost without the knowledge of the one known as Man0f0neWay. I run across occasional script from other philosophers and prophets, but nothing can seem to fill that void and I feel insanity taking its toll. But I do not blame you, my friends. You have tried to keep me busy. After the decline in Scripture form Man0f0neWay, I entered the Archives one day to find new material on my desk. Oh the joy I felt! Oh the endless joy! Finally, I felt my life had purpose again... That is, until I looked down upon that material and saw this:

"Это сбивает с толку меня, что русские думают, что они гораздо лучше, чем остальной мир. Вместо того, чтобы упасть в с остальной частью западной цивилизации, они предпочитают мастурбировать себя и отказаться от изучения английского языка. Я имею в виду, как они сверхдержава? Их страна выглядит, как будто он все еще восстанавливается после Второй мировой войны."

Now, I am willing to try anything to prevent boredom, but come on.

I mean, I'm more of an intelligent language guy...

In comparison, running my nuts through a meat grinder seems far more enticing. Nevertheless, I thank you for the effort. You tried, but didn't quite hit the G-spot of my intellectual mind.

Not even in the ball park.

But I welcome more attempts. I'll be down here awaiting further Scripture to pass by my desk, but until then, I will pass the time by nursing my violent hemorrhoids. Oh yeah, which reminds me... A new chair wouldn't hurt either.

Forever your faithful scholar,
Lord SphinctAnus RectAnus of Mianus, CT

Written by hand by Lord SphinctAnus RectAnus


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