For fuck's sake...
We have a new auth system, and since people don't like to read, I'm making this kindergarten-level for you all! Hooray for me!
First, go to https://generaltsos.org , marvel at the Chinese food box, and click "AUTH."
If you aren't registered, do so!
Use any Username/password/email you want. I would NOT use your EVE login credentials.
Once registered, log in. You will be brought to the "Dashboard." Add an API key!
Be sure to click the right one!
If will prompt you to login to your EVE account if you are not currently logged into eveonline.com on your browser. This information is NOT saved on my server, you can tell by the url being eveonline.com....
FULL API IS REQUIRED!! This is for a couple reasons:
1) Every (established) Alliance out there will require a full API anyway.
2) More features will be added to the Auth, and they may require specific aspects of the API, and, if missing, could crash the whole fucking thing.
Your API is a read-only interface that allows the Auth to read data about your character (NOT ACCOUNT DETAILS) such as kills/losses/Alliance membership, etc. It can NOT be used to take assets/ISK/character/login details/credit card information/RL personal information, etc. So stop being paranoid.
Now, pay super duper EXTRA attention to this field:
If you get a "API is not of type account," it's because you did this WRONG.
Take the KeyID and the vCode from the API page, put into the corresponding fields in the Dashboard.
Now go to "Characters" and make your in-Alliance character Primary. This should open up Alliance Services.
Now go activate all Mumble and Forums. (Jabber is currently unimplemented.) Use the username/password combo's to login to Mumble and Forums.
And, to finish it all off, ensure that your "Push to Talk" is whisper and not shout. EVE-uni has a good guide on this, I don't feel the need to reiterate what they already spent time field testing on hundreds of noobs: